The Meltdown

I was home for Thanksgiving on Thursday and Friday and had the chance to see some extended family members who haven’t seen me since I’ve lost a significant amount of weight (37 lbs at last weigh-in, but probably more like 40 now). They were all so great, telling me how wonderful I look and what a great job I’m doing with the weight loss. It felt awesome. I mean, I HAVE been busting my butt over the past few months and I’ve had incredible success. Shoot, sometimes even I can’t believe how far I’ve come in such a short period of time. I’m down 3 pants sizes. That’s pretty cool.

My mom, who has been so supportive of me through this weight loss process, told me that she’d take me to Old Navy to buy me a few new things. Like any woman who loves shopping and now has a pretty small wardrobe, I said, “Heck yes!” So off to Old Navy we drove to hunt for some jeans and maybe a new top or two.

I grabbed a bunch of pants and some shirts and headed to the dressing room. That’s where things took a turn for the worse. I don’t know if I’m not meant to wear Old Navy pants or what, but they all looked terrible. One size is too big, one size is too small. They’re cut wrong. They’re baggy in places and tight in others. It just wasn’t what I wanted to see. I was so frustrated because I had all kinds of high hopes that I would walk out with an amazing pair of jeans that would make me feel hot and stylish. Mission failed.

I think what was making me more upset than a cheap pair of jeans not fitting me correctly was that even though I’ve lost a bunch of weight, I still hate the way I look. I’m not happy with my body. Every rational part of my mind tells me that losing weight is a marathon, not a sprint, and that I can’t expect to lose the amount of weight I need to lose in such a short period of time, but my irrational, emotional side just wants to be thin already. I’ve lived my whole life overweight. Don’t I deserve to have one moment of shopping happiness and really like the way I look?

So needless to say I’ve had a really hard weekend, emotionally. I haven’t worked out. I haven’t really wanted to leave my apartment. I’ve cried a lot. I’m not eating poorly, which is a good thing, but I’m certainly not taking any strides to get my ass in gear and exercise. Right or wrong, I think it’s what I need right now. I have a training appointment with Rob tomorrow, so I have no choice but to haul my butt to the gym, but honestly? Right now, I’m okay wallowing.