Yesterday I was a big, fat, emotional mess. I broke down in tears a few times at work (its times like this that make me happy I have my own office), felt miserable and was just, for lack of a better word, pretty blue.
Since I’m not a hugely emotional person and I was nowhere near premenstrual, I have no idea what was causing the emotional outburst. Personally, I think it’s because my whole lifestyle has changed. I’m not eating. I’m not drinking. I’m not going to bars and restaurants with my friends. I’m at the gym all the time. It sucks. Food used to be my outlet. I knew that I could sit down with a big bowl of pasta or a slice of pizza or a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and immediately feel comforted and happy. I know that statement is so wrong and unhealthy, but hey, that was my life up until a month ago. Now that I’m not eating the pizza, pasta and ice cream I’m not sure how to cope with my feelings.
It didn’t help matters when I had to go do my training session with Rob. Poor guy had to think I’m a hot mess because I started bawling right before we got to work. I’m talking wiping my eyes on my sleeves, sniffling, disgusting crying. After confirming that I’m not premenstrual, Rob was like, ‘Suck it up and lets get to work.’ There ain’t no rest for the wicked, I suppose.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Here I Go Again on my Own
Since M came down with a cold or the flu or something that’s probably contagious that I really didn’t want to catch, I did my training session with Rob yesterday all by myself. Odd, but I was kind of nervous! I’m used to having a wingman during my workouts with Rob. I felt almost self-conscious training alone because I knew all eyes would be on me, kicking my ass and watching my form. I know I’m being ridiculous because I doubt Rob would ever really judge me (at this point, he’s seen me at my worse), but you know how it goes.
Busting my ass around the track carrying huge kettlebells, squats, planks, flutter kicks, bouncing heavy medicine balls, weights… oh my God! I was seriously in pain about 40 minutes into the workout and I sincerely doubted by ability to finish, but we all know that I’m not a quitter and I don’t give up easily, so I gutted it out and finished the workout.
While Rob claims that last night’s workout was definitely a step up to the next level, I don’t know… I think the combo of lack of sleep from the night before and the weird fear of training solo got to me a bit, messed with my head and made the session feel really, really, really hard.
One thing Rob said to me yesterday was that not only was he impressed with my hard work and weight loss (25 lbs so far!), but my dedication. His little elves at the front desk have told him that I’ve been logging the hours at the gym, I have this blog, all my friends and family know about my mission to get thin, I’m putting in the effort during training sessions and sticking to the diet. It was motivating to hear that Rob is proud of me.
Busting my ass around the track carrying huge kettlebells, squats, planks, flutter kicks, bouncing heavy medicine balls, weights… oh my God! I was seriously in pain about 40 minutes into the workout and I sincerely doubted by ability to finish, but we all know that I’m not a quitter and I don’t give up easily, so I gutted it out and finished the workout.
While Rob claims that last night’s workout was definitely a step up to the next level, I don’t know… I think the combo of lack of sleep from the night before and the weird fear of training solo got to me a bit, messed with my head and made the session feel really, really, really hard.
One thing Rob said to me yesterday was that not only was he impressed with my hard work and weight loss (25 lbs so far!), but my dedication. His little elves at the front desk have told him that I’ve been logging the hours at the gym, I have this blog, all my friends and family know about my mission to get thin, I’m putting in the effort during training sessions and sticking to the diet. It was motivating to hear that Rob is proud of me.
Monday, October 26, 2009
The World’s Most Orgasmic Donut
It comes in the form on the glazed apple cider donut from a place called Goebbert’s Pumpkin Patch out in Huntington, IL. It is, without a doubt, the best baked good I’ve ever experienced in my entire life.
Let me lay it out for you: Made on the premises, the donuts are a little crispy on the outside, tender on the inside, still a little warm from the fryer and covered in just the right amount of silky glaze. They are cinammony and a have a bit of an apple bite. They are awesome.
Yesterday I went on my yearly outing to Goebbert’s with my friends to do the whole pumpkin picking/corn maze/pig races/petting zoo thing, which is all fine and dandy, but I knew I was going to have to have one of those pieces of sweet gloriousness. People say you stop craving sweets after awhile? Well guess what? I will NEVER stop craving these donuts. Good thing I can only get them once a year.
After the day at the pumpkin patch was completed, my friends bought a dozen of the donuts for our drive home. I tried to resist, but I’m going to be honest, it was all futile. I told myself, “Angie, you will have ONE donut. And that is it.” So I had a donut, and let me tell you, it was worth every.last.calorie.
My eyes rolled back in my head as I took the first bite and by the time I finished, I was happy and satisfied. It was so wonderful and so delicious and I didn’t feel guilty at all. However, I did go to the gym when I got home from the pumpkin patch because I knew that if I was eating fried dough, I better make up for it somehow.
Also important to note: As I write this, I’m eating a caveman approved meal of low-fat cottage cheese and strawberries.
Let me lay it out for you: Made on the premises, the donuts are a little crispy on the outside, tender on the inside, still a little warm from the fryer and covered in just the right amount of silky glaze. They are cinammony and a have a bit of an apple bite. They are awesome.
Yesterday I went on my yearly outing to Goebbert’s with my friends to do the whole pumpkin picking/corn maze/pig races/petting zoo thing, which is all fine and dandy, but I knew I was going to have to have one of those pieces of sweet gloriousness. People say you stop craving sweets after awhile? Well guess what? I will NEVER stop craving these donuts. Good thing I can only get them once a year.
After the day at the pumpkin patch was completed, my friends bought a dozen of the donuts for our drive home. I tried to resist, but I’m going to be honest, it was all futile. I told myself, “Angie, you will have ONE donut. And that is it.” So I had a donut, and let me tell you, it was worth every.last.calorie.
My eyes rolled back in my head as I took the first bite and by the time I finished, I was happy and satisfied. It was so wonderful and so delicious and I didn’t feel guilty at all. However, I did go to the gym when I got home from the pumpkin patch because I knew that if I was eating fried dough, I better make up for it somehow.
Also important to note: As I write this, I’m eating a caveman approved meal of low-fat cottage cheese and strawberries.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Insecurities
I’ve recently been told that I’m a very insecure person and that I constantly seek the reassurance of others. Honestly, I’ve been stewing about this comment for a few days now and I’m feeling less than thrilled about how I apparently project myself.
When you’re carrying around some extra pounds, OF COURSE you’re insecure. That’s no mystery. You constantly feel like you’re not good enough for your friends, your relationships, and your family… its just the way it goes. I can’t hide my insecurity (its right out there for everyone to see). For example, if you’re insecure about your crazy family or your job, you can hide it pretty well. But when you’re insecure about your body, well, that’s a bit harder. Yes, I can dress well, do my hair, and put on make-up, etc. but at the end on the day my fat ass is out there for the whole world to see. And I guess because I’m so insecure about my body, I seek approval from others so I don’t feel like such a failure.
As for seeking approval – I’m still a little unsure how I do this. Am I making comments that are annoying to friends and family? Do I involuntarily put people down? Do I talk myself up? It’s driving me crazy! Because I’m on this weight loss journey, I’m finding out a lot about myself: What I can physically do, how much I can take, my willpower limits. However, I’m still struggling with how I can stop involuntarily seeking approval from others. I’m hoping for some kind of epiphany or at the very least some obvious sign of when I do it. That way I can stop, think about it, regroup and never do it again.
When you’re carrying around some extra pounds, OF COURSE you’re insecure. That’s no mystery. You constantly feel like you’re not good enough for your friends, your relationships, and your family… its just the way it goes. I can’t hide my insecurity (its right out there for everyone to see). For example, if you’re insecure about your crazy family or your job, you can hide it pretty well. But when you’re insecure about your body, well, that’s a bit harder. Yes, I can dress well, do my hair, and put on make-up, etc. but at the end on the day my fat ass is out there for the whole world to see. And I guess because I’m so insecure about my body, I seek approval from others so I don’t feel like such a failure.
As for seeking approval – I’m still a little unsure how I do this. Am I making comments that are annoying to friends and family? Do I involuntarily put people down? Do I talk myself up? It’s driving me crazy! Because I’m on this weight loss journey, I’m finding out a lot about myself: What I can physically do, how much I can take, my willpower limits. However, I’m still struggling with how I can stop involuntarily seeking approval from others. I’m hoping for some kind of epiphany or at the very least some obvious sign of when I do it. That way I can stop, think about it, regroup and never do it again.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Side Note
I want to club the person who keeps bringing fattening things into the office. I'm talking cookies, dips, cheesecake, snack mix, crackers & cheese. Oh my God. No one brought food into the office for years and now all of the sudden some evil person keeps bringing stuff in and leaving it in our kitchenette.
Its driving me crazy. Not because I want to eat it, but because I can't.
Its driving me crazy. Not because I want to eat it, but because I can't.
Wedding Woes
My sister got married this weekend. While the event was beautiful and so much fun, it presented some challenges for the diet and exercise plan. I knew that I was going to be indulging in the adult beverages and be subject to foods that aren’t on my diet, so I was extra careful the entire week before the wedding so I wouldn’t gain any weight after a weekend of debauchery.
Rehearsal Dinner – Pizza and beer and wine, oh my! While I LOVED the location of the rehearsal dinner (Cubby Bear North in Lincolnshire), I didn’t love the dinner menu – Pizza, salad and cookies. I loaded up on the salad and used what looked to be the safest salad dressing option, the vinaigrette. I had 2 small squares of cheese pizza. Can you believe it was my first taste of pizza in about a month??? Crazy. Definitely not a perfect meal, but it was the best I could do. I stuck to water (no beers for this girl!) because not only did I not want the calories, but I look absolutely repulsive when I’m hung over which was not the look I was going for at the wedding.
Wedding Day – Um… yeah. I’m not going to lie. I pretty much ate and drank my heart out. And it was wonderful. I started the day with a “diet approved” breakfast, but it was all downhill when I left the house to get my hair done at the salon. When we returned, it had been hours since my breakfast and I was so hungry. My mom ordered a platter of mini sandwiches, some pasta salad and baked Lays for us to munch on before the photographer arrived. I had a mini turkey pita sandwich (no cheese, no mayo), a little bit of the pasta salad and a handful of baked Lays. Terrible… and quite simple carb ridden. To make matters worse, I didn’t eat again until 8pm when dinner was served. I had a few bites of my steak, the veggies and some potatoes. No bread. Oh yes, and all of my salad. What I haven’t included yet is the absolute landslide of cocktails I consumed. It was bad. Sorry Rob. And actually, sorry to me! I felt AWFUL on Sunday.
The Aftermath (Day after the wedding) – All I could think about was how much I wanted a diet Coke because before I was dieting it would always make me feel better after I’d consumed too many adult beverages, but when I cracked it open and took a sip on the car ride back to the city, it tasted so gross. Too bubby, too artificially sweet. Yuck. Could it be that my BODY doesn’t really crave soda anymore and it’s just my brain missing it? Probably so! I knew that no amount of salad would make my stomach feel better, so I compromised and picked up a 6 inch Subway sandwich instead of the McDonald’s I really wanted to get something filling in my belly. It worked. I felt a lot better after eating it and drinking, I kid not, 4 liters of water.
I haven’t worked out since Thursday and I feel gross, but I do have a session with Rob today so I know I’ll be getting in a good workout. After a bit of a tailspin this weekend, I need a good butt kicking today in the gym!
Rehearsal Dinner – Pizza and beer and wine, oh my! While I LOVED the location of the rehearsal dinner (Cubby Bear North in Lincolnshire), I didn’t love the dinner menu – Pizza, salad and cookies. I loaded up on the salad and used what looked to be the safest salad dressing option, the vinaigrette. I had 2 small squares of cheese pizza. Can you believe it was my first taste of pizza in about a month??? Crazy. Definitely not a perfect meal, but it was the best I could do. I stuck to water (no beers for this girl!) because not only did I not want the calories, but I look absolutely repulsive when I’m hung over which was not the look I was going for at the wedding.
Wedding Day – Um… yeah. I’m not going to lie. I pretty much ate and drank my heart out. And it was wonderful. I started the day with a “diet approved” breakfast, but it was all downhill when I left the house to get my hair done at the salon. When we returned, it had been hours since my breakfast and I was so hungry. My mom ordered a platter of mini sandwiches, some pasta salad and baked Lays for us to munch on before the photographer arrived. I had a mini turkey pita sandwich (no cheese, no mayo), a little bit of the pasta salad and a handful of baked Lays. Terrible… and quite simple carb ridden. To make matters worse, I didn’t eat again until 8pm when dinner was served. I had a few bites of my steak, the veggies and some potatoes. No bread. Oh yes, and all of my salad. What I haven’t included yet is the absolute landslide of cocktails I consumed. It was bad. Sorry Rob. And actually, sorry to me! I felt AWFUL on Sunday.
The Aftermath (Day after the wedding) – All I could think about was how much I wanted a diet Coke because before I was dieting it would always make me feel better after I’d consumed too many adult beverages, but when I cracked it open and took a sip on the car ride back to the city, it tasted so gross. Too bubby, too artificially sweet. Yuck. Could it be that my BODY doesn’t really crave soda anymore and it’s just my brain missing it? Probably so! I knew that no amount of salad would make my stomach feel better, so I compromised and picked up a 6 inch Subway sandwich instead of the McDonald’s I really wanted to get something filling in my belly. It worked. I felt a lot better after eating it and drinking, I kid not, 4 liters of water.
I haven’t worked out since Thursday and I feel gross, but I do have a session with Rob today so I know I’ll be getting in a good workout. After a bit of a tailspin this weekend, I need a good butt kicking today in the gym!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Souptastic!
You want to eat healthy? Move to Madison, WI. They have some of the best, freshest, locally produced food out there. It’s all organic and delicious. And the best part is that I can eat most of it on the caveman diet.
I went to the Farmers Market on the Square in downtown Madison over the weekend and I went hog wild buying up tons of locally grown, organic goodies that are caveman diet friendly like green beans, leeks, squash, zucchini, red peppers, garlic, dill and even some strawberries. The problem is that after I lugged it all home I realized it was way too much produce for one person to consume so I decided to try my hand at making vegetable soup. That way, I could freeze the leftovers and have some stuff for meals for a long time.
I basically threw all the veggies into the pot with fat free, low sodium beef broth, some crushed tomatoes, a can of black beans I had in my pantry, salt, pepper, basil and oregano. I let it simmer away for about an hour and was rewarded with some pretty awesome vegetable soup! I split it up into little Tuperware containers so I’ll be able to have portion control sized mini meals whenever I want them!
On the training front, Rob showed us no mercy last night. He showed up with a black eye that he blamed on gravity, when in truth, he ran into a door during a paintball game. I think he was mad at me for accusing him of wearing guyliner because those dead man lifts and farmer carries were utterly miserable. I feel like a normally have a good attitude during training, but last night I was so crabby and just not fun to be around. One of the reasons I like training with Rob is that I think he knows when I’m crabby and just lets me work out without all the vocal nagging. I don’t need a cheerleader all the time, you know?
And the biggest news of all? I’m down 22 lbs since I started this venture. I think it’s awesome and I’m really proud of myself. I think a lot of people doubt my ability to lose the weight since I have a long way to go, but I don’t give up easily. I’m going to be fit and fabulous soon enough!
I went to the Farmers Market on the Square in downtown Madison over the weekend and I went hog wild buying up tons of locally grown, organic goodies that are caveman diet friendly like green beans, leeks, squash, zucchini, red peppers, garlic, dill and even some strawberries. The problem is that after I lugged it all home I realized it was way too much produce for one person to consume so I decided to try my hand at making vegetable soup. That way, I could freeze the leftovers and have some stuff for meals for a long time.
I basically threw all the veggies into the pot with fat free, low sodium beef broth, some crushed tomatoes, a can of black beans I had in my pantry, salt, pepper, basil and oregano. I let it simmer away for about an hour and was rewarded with some pretty awesome vegetable soup! I split it up into little Tuperware containers so I’ll be able to have portion control sized mini meals whenever I want them!
On the training front, Rob showed us no mercy last night. He showed up with a black eye that he blamed on gravity, when in truth, he ran into a door during a paintball game. I think he was mad at me for accusing him of wearing guyliner because those dead man lifts and farmer carries were utterly miserable. I feel like a normally have a good attitude during training, but last night I was so crabby and just not fun to be around. One of the reasons I like training with Rob is that I think he knows when I’m crabby and just lets me work out without all the vocal nagging. I don’t need a cheerleader all the time, you know?
And the biggest news of all? I’m down 22 lbs since I started this venture. I think it’s awesome and I’m really proud of myself. I think a lot of people doubt my ability to lose the weight since I have a long way to go, but I don’t give up easily. I’m going to be fit and fabulous soon enough!
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